Recovery From Spiritual Abuse

Recovery From Spiritual Abuse, by Richard Damiani

Recovery from a cultic, abusive church is a long and difficult process. It involves the rebuilding of an entire world and life view, and learning again the character and grace of God. While in the group the abused member has been "growing," but this growth has been marred with cancer and infection. When looking in the group's mirror of reality, the cultist sees a spiritually muscular and mature person. When he or she begins the process of recovery and they look in the mirror of God's truth they see a misshapen person who is covered with running, pus-encrusted sores. There has been some growth, since there has been some real truth in the cult; had there not been, the Christian would have left long ago. But the truth has been so mixed with error that any growth that did happen is contaminated with sickness and infection.

The former cultist entered the abusive group because he was sincere in his devotion to God, and only wanted to go deeper with Him. Now, this same sincerity has caused him to leave, and the sight of his real self is overwhelming. One despairs of ever knowing what it is to know or feel real, normal Christianity again. A mountain many times higher than Mt. Everest looms over him, and the steps he begins taking seem so small. The feeblest actions that a normal Christian would do without thinking are immense measures of healing to him. Simply going into a Christian bookstore where the banned books are sold is a traumatic event, and may take many attempts before he can even open the door and walk in without fear of losing his soul. Listening to banned music will bring terror and even trembling.

Unknown to the former cultist, such efforts have been preceded by deep internal healing that is imperceptible to him. Little influences such as a minor gesture by a true Pastor, a kind word during a sermon, a phrase in a Christian song that rejoices in God's mercy and forgiveness, etc., all do their deep soul-work. One day, months after leaving the group, the former member begins to notice that they are not consumed with their pain. They see that thoughts of God's goodness have begun to replace their sorrow. This is the beginning of hope.

But how does this all happen, and what help is needed in the recovery process? Whether the cultist was kicked out, or they find out some dark secret which opens their eyes, or they just can no longer live in denial, so they walk out on their own, all are deeply affected by the trauma inflicted on them. Recovery to full health is not only getting out of the cult, it also involves getting the cult out of you. Healing will require a continual retelling of one's story. This may seem tedious, or even wrong to one who has not been through it. But each time the story is retold in the months that follow their leaving the group, more healing takes place. It is as though each time you tell it you are able to let go of a few more phases of the horror you now see. As with a vile cancer, this chemotherapy must be repeated again and again for health to be restored. To counsel a former cultist to forget what is behind is only further abuse.

Remember, they have been under the "can't talk" rule for years, and a deep lake of emotion and pain has been stored up behind the dam of silence. It is only now that they can release it, bit-by-bit. They only feel a bit more of what they are telling each time, for feeling it all at once would be emotional suicide.

There will be deep and profound emotions ranging from hopeless despair to livid rage. For the first time in years they are allowing themselves to feel, and the stored emotion comes out in a seemingly unstructured mass. Such survivors must be allowed to freely feel in a climate of safety and no judgment. There will be time to deal with the anger, etc. For now, these emotions are personality beginning to reemerge and reform.

Because former abused church members have lost their personality, reason, judgment and self in the group, they will not know who they really are. They lost their identity in the group, and they will need encouragement, love and acceptance as the true person comes back to life. This process can take as long as four or five years to truly be healed.

Along with losing themselves, they have lost God, Jesus, the Spirit and the Gospel in the cultic heresy. The deepest need for the cultist is to relearn the tender heart of his Father, the love of Jesus, and comfort of the Great Comforter. He needs to relearn the Gospel of grace just as badly. The idolatrous view of an angry, aloof God, and the other, legal gospel must be discarded, and the truth embraced. This is, perhaps the greatest act of service that a counselor can do for the broken survivor of abuse.

Former cultists suffer from psychological disorders ranging from mild to severe forms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, (see link below), floating - or flashbacks into the cult mindset - even reactive schizophrenia. There is hope that if treatment can begin quickly, PTSD can be avoided. The symptoms of sexual abuse are almost parallel to those that are experienced by the battered cultist. Similar treatment models, therefore, are helpful.

One of the biggest problems former members of abused churches face is that of triggers (see link below). A trigger is something that brings the memory, emotions or experiences of cult life back with vividness. So intense and real are these experiences that some revert to their cultic persona for a short time. This is called "floating." Life in the cult was deeply stressful, even to the point of a type of altered state of consciousness. Hymns, loaded language, colors, smells, even verses from the Bible can be triggers. Floods of emotion and terror can return in an instant, and the person is reabused by his memory. There can be a loss of sense of reality, of personal identity or motor behavior from a trigger. It is like the rape victim who smells the cologne of her rapist and is immediately back in the crime scene emotionally. Recognizing what triggers you, as well as understanding how they work is of great benefit. Also, realizing when you are being triggered and having preplanned coping mechanisms helps. Support groups who can pool their knowledge and experience helps, as well.

Understanding how abusive churches and cults use the tools of mind control, and what exactly has happened to them is essential for recovery. And it cannot be stressed that qualified counseling is needed for the quickest recovery. One does not just "get well." The trauma, stress and destruction are so great that self-help simply will not work to truly and fully heal. One may be able to cope on a reasonable level, but real, deep healing will not happen without help from someone who understands the dynamics of cultic abuse and the recovery process.

What is the hope for the former cultist? First, he or she is not condemned to walk in the shadows for the rest of his or her life. There are many issues to deal with that I have not touched on due to space, but all are healable. Patience is the hardest thing, for recovery takes time, and there will be cycles of seeming regression as more and more of the poison leeches out of the soul. But healing will come, and real hope will return. Best of all the former abused church member will understand God's love and grace in a way that is impossible for those who have never been so close to the mouth of legalistic hell as they have. The sense of their Father's love, and of Jesus' tender kindness and friendship will, in time, be so overwhelming as to make the years seem as a dream that is past. All that they have suffered, however deep and dark and long, will be worth it if that is what had to happen to gain this understanding. And the Christian, once so battered and broken, will be in the vanguard of the move toward grace that many of us hope is beginning to be resurrected.

Here is a basic outline of the recovery process from abuse. These are not steps in the sense that you go from one to the next in a rigid order. Generally they do move in a pattern, but you may go back to the previous step for a while as new aspects of abuse surface. Several steps on the list may take place at the same time, or at least overlap to some degree. Healing is as individual as the person and his or her abuse. So do not become discouraged if you seem to be stuck, you may be much further ahead than you think. Healing is generally an awakening from the night, not a lockstep prescription. These are major headings. Much is included in each heading that a good book or web site on recovery will help fill in. Here is where a counselor is so helpful, too.
1. The great enemy of healing is denial - denial of the problem, of our feelings, and of losses and grief, and of our trauma. Now that we are out we must begin to allow ourselves to think and progressively feel all we denied for the years in the cult.

2. We must begin to honestly look at the losses in our lives due to our years of involvement in the mind controlling church. These losses can be very great, and their depth will not be recognized all at once. As we see more of what has been lost we must allow ourselves time to grieve over each loss until it has been assimilated into our lives as part of who we are.

3. We will need to recognize both the good and bad results of our years in an abusive church. The good of those years can be the sensitivity and tenderness we will feel toward broken people. It can also include the breaking of our pride and Pharisee-like spirit, and a new understanding of grace. But we must not deny the losses! There is good, but there is also much bad and much that will not be recovered. We have to be honest with ourselves.

4. Sometime, perhaps in the far future, we must begin the process of forgiving those who abused us. This only means that we no longer hold them to our account, but have released them to God. We may never feel warm toward them, and probably will never want them as our friends, but we will no longer hate or want vengeance. We will pray for them, and if the occasion arises, do them good. Forgiveness may be a lifelong, daily process since the damage has been so great.

5. We will begin to use the comfort God had given us to comfort others, 2 Cor. 1:3-4. This is one of the reasons God allowed us to be so abused - he has people for us to help that we could have never helped had we not gone through emotional and spiritual hell ourselves. God never wastes time! He has a plan for us, so don't lose heart - God is not finished with you and has not put you on the shelf as damaged or useless.

HAVE PATIENCE! You were under mind control for years, and it will not leave all at once. The great news is that once the basic belief structure of your old group has been challenged and begun to crack and crumble, it will fall away more and more so long as you continue to actively heal. You will be whole again. You have gotten out of the cult, now you have to get the cult out of you. It will happen!

The True Meaning of Perseverance

For those of us whose abuse took place in a Reformed church, whether Reformed Baptist, or one of the many denominations that believe in infant baptism, the Perseverance of the Saints is a familiar term. In a loose way, the Fundamentalist counterpart is Eternal Security. Perseverance of the Saints was the fifth doctrine of the Canons of Dort; the document that is the basis for what is called "The Five Points of Calvinism."

In an abusive church or denomination this is one of the most fearful doctrines. It has been used as a whip and scourge to God's dear children to make them conform to the dictates and convictions of the eldership. In my cultic church the phrase "Persevere or be damned" was used in sermons as a threat that if we did not perform just right we were in fact proving that we were never really God's children to begin with. We must persevere - we must be holy in all areas of life. We were to live an exact life because we served an exact God. Anything short of exact obedience in even the smallest detail was sin, and a continued pattern in such sin was proof that we were never in grace to begin with. Sounds good, but it is wrong. Worse it is heresy, just like old Romanism that makes works the basis for our standing with God.

The truth is this - God loves you passionately. He loves you with all of his eternal heart. That is why he died for you. Every pounding of the nails into his hands and feet shouted, "I love you, I love you, I love you - do you get it? I love you." God is like the father of the prodigal who cannot help himself, but comes running to his son who is covered in dirt and pig manure, whose clothes are worn out and tattered, whose bones show through from his starvation and long trip through the wilderness. He does not condemn, but takes off his rich robe, puts his ring on your finger and says, "Let's have a great party, for my son has finally come home!" This is your loving Father. He has guaranteed that you will make it to heaven, no matter how hard and dark the road of life you will take. This is why Jesus says that no one can steal his sheep from his hand or from the Father's hand. Jn 10:27-29.

Read John and look for all the assurances of God's love and the security of salvation - your salvation. In
Rom 8: 28-30 God says that his eternal purpose from beginning to end is assured. We are secure because God planned our salvation. This is what Eph 1 is all about. Look at the tense of the verbs. There is no doubt that it is accomplished. Re-read the epistles looking for assurance; it is everywhere. Our salvation is secure unto the Day of Redemption. Eph 4:30. Jesus paid for all our sins, and God cancelled the debt we owed. Col 2:13-14. There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus - none. Rom 8:1. This statement was too powerful for one of the men who copied the early manuscripts of the Bible, so they inserted the phrase that is found in the KJV. But it is not there! There is not and can never be condemnation, for we are forever secure and free in Jesus.

Abusive elders take the promises of our assurance and make them tests of salvation, then use them to beat us down into further obedience and submission to them, just like Medieval Roman priests did. That is sin and abuse.

The true title of this doctrine should be "The Perseverance of God with His Children," for that is what the Bible teaches. God sticks with us. We are forever in his heart, forever our names are carved on the palms of his hands, forever forgiven, and not even we can remove ourselves from our Father's and Savior's strong, loving hands.

The writers of the Canons of Dort ended each of the five major chapters with a refutation of errors. The link below goes to two of these errors: That we need to obey to get more grace, and that if we really believed in this truth it would encourage Christians to live in sin. Read their words and see how blessed this truth of our eternal, secure assurance is.

This is what I want to say to you, my brothers and sisters in Jesus. Leave off following a man and a church and follow Jesus alone; you haven’t seen anything yet!

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord,
Plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
Plans to give you a hope and a future.

-Jeremiah 29:11

Your Brother in Jesus,
Richard Damiani

If you want to contact me you can do it by e-mail at newhopecounsel@hotmail.com. All contacts will be kept in the strictest confidence.

To know more of God’s loving heart for you, read this article, The Father Heart of God.